Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
