I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
