I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
