So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
did i just pee glitter
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
How naked do you want me to be?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
