you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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