you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
