sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Its about making memories worth repressing
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
