I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You brought string cheese to the strip club
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
