I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Randomize
