I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
