i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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