Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
