I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize