i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
