Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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