Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
