Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
