you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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