No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
