return my video game
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
