I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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