I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
