Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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