i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
