Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
