Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
