So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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