does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize