I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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