Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
