Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
