When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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