I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
