When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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