Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
