Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
