Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize