its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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