pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
