John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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