I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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