i need an iv and a liver transplant
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
