Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Randomize
