I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
