someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
