Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
