Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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