can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
