So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
