i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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