you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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