I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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