I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
