and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
