He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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