dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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