Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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