Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
My vagina just recognized that song.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
