Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
there was a trapeze. enough said
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
