I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
