i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
