I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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