based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize