I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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