So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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